Velocijakked: Episode 4

Long Island, New York. Vince McMahon and Paul Heyman on commentary.

Segment 1: John Cena promo in-ring. Cena is visibly distraught, no running out from backstage, just a slow walk to the ring. He grabs a mic and talks about how he's spent 10 years in the WWE. 10 years fighting for what he thinks is right. 10 years fighting for the right to call himself the champ. He appears to be trying to convince himself as much as anything else as Cena claims that his career, his past - and his future - still mean that he can say THE CHAMP! IS-CM Punk's music hits. Paul Heyman walks out and says "ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you, the WWE Champion for ONE FULL YEAR! MR C! M! PUNK!" Punk comes out with A NEW WWE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT - the classic WWF Title. Punk asks if Cena recognises this belt. He says he shouldn't, because it's not his ridiculous spinning contraption. It's the true championship reflecting the greatest wrestlers of all-time... and John Cena will never hold it. Cena looks truly hurt by this. Punk says that Cena's whole career has been about doing what's right. He told the kids never to give up. And what did John Cena do when the stakes have never been higher? He GAVE UP. There's a slight smarky "you tapped out" chant. Cena is too sad to respond and walks to the back. Punk says he has finally vanquished Cena but now, as a truly historic champion, he must move on to other challengers! Not that they'll be actual challenges to him, of course, but he's willing to let someone delude themselves into thinking they could win. Tonight's main event, he says, will be a Newcomer Royal Rumble, where every participant will be someone who's never held the WWE Championship before. The winner will face him at TLC for the title.

Segment 2: Cena walking backstage, still upset at his situation. Zack Ryder walks in and says "bro, lighten up!" Cena says "I can't lighten up, Zack, that title means everything to me." Zack tells him that tonight he's going to win the mini rumble for him. Cena chuckles and says "you do that, Zack. I appreciate it." Zack says "I'm serious, bro!" and Cena leaves.

Segment 3: JTG and Zeke vs The Usos. The announcers remind us of how the Usos used teamwork to take down Rey and Sin Cara at Survivor Series and they do the same here, defeating JTG and a still-sore Zeke, who has taped ribs from his beat down at the PPV.

Segment 4: 3MB backstage. Slater tells Drew and Jinder how tonight is their big break! They're making the big time tonight, bay bay! Jinder, the fun one, says "yeah, I can't wait until the battle royal later tonight". Slater says "wait, what are you talking about? I meant our gig tonight! Dudes, we're on at 3 AM at New York's hottest club - it's called 'a group of hobos sitting around a campfire at the dump'! This place has everything. Clones, several giraffes, Jewish cartoon character Menorah the Explorer, and a human suitcase." "What's a human suitcase?" asks Jinder. Slater replies, "It's that thing when a dwarf on rollerskates wears all of your clothes and then you pull them through an airport." Slater runs out screaming "YEAH BAY BAY BIG TIME!" as Drew and Jinder, the fun one, shake their heads.

Segment 5: William Regal promo in-ring. He talks about how tonight, he'll of course become the new #1 contender to that noble gentleman, CM Punk, 's WWE championship, as the only other man on Velocijakked to win his singles contest at Survivor Series. But he has more important news to get to, because he wants to introduce to Velocijakked three men who are future stars. Three men who, under Regal's leadership, will all get their own WWE championship opportunities, tenfold! He introduces Tyson Hart - Tyson Kidd, with Bret's old music, repackaged to look more like Bret. Hart says that he's ACTUALLY the best there ever will be. Regal introduces Master Perfect himself - Joe Hennig, a repackaged Michael McGillicutty in his dad's old tights and bleached blonde hair. He gets in the ring, spits out his gum and hits it away. And Regal introduces The Billion Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase - DiBiase Jr, but fully doing his dad's gimmick. DiBiase says how his trust fund set him up for life - BECAUSE EVERYONE'S GOT A PRICE! HA HA HA HA!

Segment 6: Sin Cara backstage getting ready for the mini Rumble. Rey walks in and wishes him the best of luck, since he's the only person other than Cena excluded from the match. Cara thanks Rey.

Segment 7: We look through the door of the locker room to see John Cena sadly packing his bags.

Segment 8: Mini Royal Rumble! This has all the same rules as the normal Rumble and goes for around 45 minutes, with 15 participants.

#1 - William Regal
#2 - Sin Cara's music hits but no-one comes out. We cut to the back where Rey is trying to find him, and eventually finds him laid out and unconscious in the back! Rey calls for the doctors, dawg.
#3 - Heath Slater
#4 - Joe Hennig. He and Regal team up against Slater.
#5 - Drew McIntyre as the numbers game is evened up.
#6 - Tyson Hart
#7 - Jinder Mahal
#8 - Ted DiBiase as Regal and his proteges beat down 3MB mercilessly, eventually throwing them out one by one.
#9 - Ezekiel Jackson, who dominates for a minute or two.
#10 - Zack Ryder, who helps Zeke even the odds.
#11 - Camacho. Everyone stops when Camacho enters the ring and is confused. Camacho realises "wait, sorry, I can't wrestle! Sorry guys, haha" and jumps over the top rope but trips and falls through the floor which was actually a black hole leading to an infinite vortex where he will spend the rest of eternity spinning to a never-found doom.
#12 - Jimmy Uso
#13 - JTG
#14 - Jey Uso
#15 - a returning Hunico is the surprise fifteenth entrant with everyone except Sin Cara, 3MB and Camacho now in the ring.

JTG is eliminated by Hart and Hennig but Zeke takes them both out. As Zeke looks over his work Regal takes him out from behind and eliminates him as well! Hunico is eliminated. The Usos try to double team William Regal and almost take him out but DiBiase saves him by taking out Jimmy, and Regal takes out Jey, leaving the final three of Regal, DiBiase and Ryder. Regal and DiBiase stare down Ryder and double team him as well. They go to throw him out but he grabs onto the top rope and hurricanranas DiBiase out! Regal tries to kick him while he holds onto the bottom rope but eventually Zack gets back in. Your final two are Regal and Zack. They fight for five minutes or so before Regal hits the Knee Trembler on Ryder. Ryder tries to pull himself up using the ropes while Regal pulls out the brass knuckles. He runs over to Ryder and swings but misses, tumbling towards the ropes, and Zack pushes him over! Zack Ryder, the King of the Battle Royal, is the #1 contender to the WWE Championship at TLC! John Cena runs out to hold up Ryder's hand as he celebrates, followed by Punk walking out and standing on the ramp sarcastically clapping.